I'm in a much better mood now, thanks for all the concern. Also, I know I should be sleeping earlier... I just don't. And that's really the closest thing to "old enough to know, too young to care" (a line from Haight St which I've always, always used to describe being an adolescent, hahaha) that I've done, lol. I used to have a lot of self-control in that respect - think of 2 years ago, when I slept by 11.30 every night! Now it's not so good. But I'm working on it.
I think I'm the kind of person who just has to get going all the time. I need to have things to do, to occupy my time and my thoughts, or they wander into realms which are sometimes philosophical, sometimes creative/productive, sometimes nonsensical (think of LOTR crackfic, people!!) and sometimes pointless+self-pitying (a la the 3 Jan post). Having training and being tired has somehow made me happier, these two days at least.
Also helped, I think, that I met up with WQ and Karen yesterday after training and had coffee (well, they did, I opted for Sunrise because of this sudden wave of nostalgia) and basically talked the afternoon away. I ended up talking about First Day stress and all the (unnecessary) worries and all my fears and hopes and everything in between came tumbling out in a rush... And after all that whining, WQ rolled her eyes, which convinced me that - hey, all's still right with the world, hahaha. They listened, and we kind of talked about it, which somehow helped me get over all my insecurity, somewhat. I'm so grateful to have had known them - it's rare to find people who're willing to not just entertain my geeky tendencies, but also have some part of the same tendencies in them! (no matter how much they try to deny it) Hahaha. I will really miss them.
Today's training, while horrible training-wise, was somehow uplifting because of the people and some things they said, which made me lighten up about 2010... Honestly, self, why so serious? Ha ha. If it's one thing the ACS boys I know (from Mr B Chew, to the jumpers, to O and his brother) have taught me, it's that sometimes we have to take things easy and... let go (of plans, of proposals, of planning down to the minute-by-minute). Roll with the punches, and breathe the free air, hahaha. I'm trying to put that in practice once in a while, too : )
I am... kind of happy, today? Haha my emotional rollercoasters never seem to stop. Part and parcel of growing up, I suppose. These are the days when one small thing can send the world crashing down, or bedeck it with sparkles and stars. I suppose this is the best time to just live, full and uninhibited and whole. I know that en tout cas, life is ok.
My grandpa fought in World War II My uncle fought in ‘Nam My father was too young He went to school and met my mom And her dad always told us stories around dinner time And there’s one he told when I was young that sticks out in my mind He said ten years after daddy taught me bout the birds and bees I was stranded in Pearl Harbor fighting off the Japanese When the kamikaze pilots came and dove in without warning I was on the Arizona on a warm December morning
I Remember When I was a younger man We were soldiers Fighting in a foreign land Now I’m older And it’s happening again
It was hard to have forgiveness for the things they did that day And our President decided we should make their people pay So we dropped on Nagasaki and we cut ‘em down to size And the one we dropped on Hiroshima left them vaporized And I heard some Christian sing, what would Jesus do What if you were on the wrong side, would he point the gun at you And they read through every word of Matthew, Mark and Luke and John So they could see if killing was the side that Christ was on
And they separate the church and state And keep God out of school So our governments can educate Based upon their rules But people start to wonder if our politics make sense When religion is our best excuse for national defense And when our citizens start saying that our wars are not okay And Washington keeps telling them God loves the USA And they teach us history so we can learn from our mistakes And this generation wants to know how many years it takes To change the way we treat our neighbors all across the land Cause if we don’t change our hearts we repeat the past again
I Remember When I was a younger man We were soldiers Fighting in a foreign land Now we’re older And it’s happening again
When my grandpa finished talking We went walking, he and I I was thinking of the future and how scared I was to die Now my best friend’s overseas in the desert where it’s dry Fighting for our country and I need a reason why
I Remember When he was a younger man Now he’s a solider Fighting in a foreign land Now we’re older God bring him home again.
--
I've wanted to post this song for a very long time but only got around to doing it today because I am not in the best of moods and thus didn't have very much to say. Also whenever I start sliding into these self-pitying states I try to think of people and issues greater than myself and my (yet unsourced) gloom, because I should just focus on the things I should be grateful for, right? Except this time it didn't work.
It's a beautiful song, in any case. There isn't a single song on that album of his that I don't love. He speaks not just of emotion, but of emotional nuances and detail that a lot of times gets swept under the carpet or just glossed over. I feel that all of his music is written with tender loving care, and I really hope he keeps on doing what he's doing.
This is so intensely self-pitying but - why is it so hard to be cheerful when nothing's wrong?
I feel like walking away and not coming back for a long long time.
Sticking to single sentences tonight: 1. Gathering was fun, glad to see everyone again. 2. Reading Stalin book, heart somehow goes out to that ruthless, despicable, but lonely, lonely man 3. Anyone has any idea what a free-thinker's funeral looks like? 4. I want to write and write and write again, I want to write about Singapore. 5. At the same time, national boundaries are slowly dissolving in my eyes. 6. "We feel for suffering, and suffering is universal." 7. I can stay awake for hours tossing and turning and thinking about school and the dreaded first day. 8. Last night I dreamt that Tyrone Power was one of my JC teachers. 9. I can't stand these random bouts of melancholy but they come anyway, folding their great black wings over me like a stormcrow 10. Too damn tired perhaps it was all the wine but perhaps it was also the 4k and perhaps the lack of sleep last night.
In a bizarre twist of irony, last night I ended up sleeping at 11pm. The one night in the year where I sleep before midnight, and it just happens to be new year's eve. I don't regret it though - I was getting the woozy feeling of pre-flu, not to mention being exhausted from training. So I needed that sleep.
This morning I woke up at a comfortable 7.30am, had breakfast with my parents, and lazed around for a while watching disk 1 of The Two Towers (hahahaha) before setting off at 10am for the Buddhist Lodge. It's a long story, but basically there's a custom that on the first birthday after a person's death, the family should go and pray to him/her and make offerings. Because my grandmother doesn't have an official birthdate (she was sold into my granddad's family as a child - a practice which was actually not uncommon in her times), we were told to make the offerings on the first day of 2010.
So most of my maternal family went down to the Buddhist Lodge and did all that custom required us to do... I guess my stand remains that there isn't any reason for me to believe, but no reason for me not to believe either. And that's the way it'll stay for the time being (which promises to be a pretty long time).
Anyway, looking up at all the memorial tablets that line the cabinet shelves of the memorial hall, squinting through the glass panels to try and read the names printed in gold on the dark green tablets, casting an eye over all the little vases with flowers and trays of vegetarian food being placed in front of the cabinet... all this combined to give me an odd, slightly sad feeling about how delicate life is. Only in the face of so many tablets, of so many offerings, of so many deaths have I really felt this sensation of being weak and insignificant against the great forces of time and - decay. I was trying to express these thoughts to my parents afterwards and somehow ended up tearing a bit in the backseat, while trying to disguise the stammer in my voice. I guess it's the realization that we are all "dust in the wind" that makes for sobering thought.
Because of my overzealous imagination, I see stories behind every tray of offerings, behind every stalk of flowers, and that makes me wonder about people and relationships and experiences.
You know, often when my mom gets angry about bad customer service or when people make the headlines for all the wrong reasons, I wonder about these stray sheep. Sometimes it's hard to understand why people do the things they do, not when I have had such unshaken faith in people thus far. Perhaps I am naive. But I can't help thinking about, say, the waitress who slammed on the table the dirty glass of barley that my mom asked her to exchange. Who is her family? What are they like? Does she go home and sit around the dinner table with them and tell them about incidents with customers the same way my mother does?
Thinking is so hard sometimes, and way too easy at others.
--
So this is the new year And I have no resolutions For self assigned penance For problems with easy solutions - (the early, before they went off the indie path) Death Cab
It is almost next year and I have no resolutions! And I don't think I should forcefit any. I kind of know where I'm heading, and what I have to do to get there, so I don't think there's a need to make any promises to myself. My only real resolution is to keep moving, keep climbing, keep overcoming - if I can. This year, I renounce passivity.
My cousin just returned to SG this morning after spending a year working in the US. His immediate family is all in Malaysia so he came to spend the day with us today - it was kind of amusing because we started talking about the US and he actually strongly encouraged me to study there. During his trip he'd visited a lot of US universities and he was telling me about how the culture is a lot more diverse and probably more interesting than if I were to stay in SG. And then he showed me all his photographs of the campuses and the beautiful architecture of the old university buildings was enough to make me melt. I often wonder if I'm being too idealistic and too sold into what my peers/mass media/preconceived beliefs tell me, but right now I think America is really Land of Dreams for not just me, but for many "young people". My cousin, for example, obviously loved his time there and told me quietly that if the company had wanted him to stay, he would have.
And again into all that doubt and confusion about sense of rootedness and national identity and where home really is... but I'll spare you. I'll think about it when I need to.
--
I am reading the most hilarious LOTR fic ever now, and am terribly amused. It is full of crack and the grammar/punctuation is somewhat lacking but damn it's funny and stupid and laughter-inducing. Oh, of all the time-wasting things to do. If anyone's interested...
--
I cut my index finger with the bread knife today - the one for slicing bread, not buttering it. It's strange how such a tiny wound can cause inconvenience, especially when washing things. Again, it's obvious that I take too much for granted.
Another more serious piece of evidence to back that up - today after training I talked to the old lady who cleans the toilets near the track at ACS. I used to say hi to her every time I came for training but then I hadn't seen her for ages (since I stopped). Today she told me that her leg was hurting for no apparent reason and that the clinic was closed so she couldn't see a doctor... and she had to work half a day today. I felt sorry for her but I also felt helpless, which was a worse feeling. Mom told me once that she would be happy if I took up medicine because I'd actually know how to help people in the same kind of situation as that old lady. And it would be incredibly fulfilling, I think, to be able to figure out illnesses, to lessen suffering, to fix problems for a living. And yet, medicine was never on the cards for me. I was never inclined towards the sciences, though I do admire those who are and know in their hearts what they want to pursue.
At the wedding on Tuesday Sarah and I met Mr J and we had a strange, strange conversation involving everything from weddings (of course) to travel experiences to ancient pencilcases (don't ask, hahaha). Then he asked a question which stumped both of us - "what are your dreams?" and we looked at each other and lapsed into silence. I was embarrassed, to say the least, that while I could summon up easily what myriad of things I wanted to do after the next two years (university - where, and what, and why), I couldn't really talk about any particular aspiration that I had beyond going to university. After a couple of moments I settled on talking about my desire to travel South America and the Middle East (not both at the same time though, ha ha) but I couldn't really say why exactly, beyond the fact that I was interested in the two regions and our relative lack of exposure to them. Anyway, as I said, I was kind of mortified at that realization, and had to repeatedly kick myself : (((
I have not quite been my usual self these days, and I don't know if it's because of my post-training exhaustion or if it's "just a phase". Either way, it makes me nervous :/ I kind of want the usual self back.
Ah well, dinner with relatives tonight! And I don't really know if I'm going to do any kind of countdown. I have mixed feelings about countdowns, about celebrating time past and anticipating time to come. Because I have mixed feelings about both past and future. Well, trust me to overthink everything, hahaha.
In any case, I hope all of you out there have had a good 2009, and I hope that 2010 will be wonderful as well : )
Goodbye, 2009! It's been a pretty good one. I've lost a bit but I've also found, and gained, a lot. And I think while I might have slipped and stumbled a number of times, at the end of the year I'm still higher up than at the beginning, which is what really matters, yes? After all, I know I'm "not much, just trying to be more". And I think for now that's enough.
I ditched my African history book because the pre-colonial section was like this giant bog that I was sucked into and had no way of escaping - I was confused, directionless and worst of all, disinterested. I suppose I will go back to it soon enough. Soon.
Anyway, in the absence of African history I managed to read Mishima's The Sound of Waves. Saw it on my booklist and was intrigued by Mishima, hence resorted to the almighty wikipedia which enlightened me about his strange and surreal life - and death. Was in the library yesterday and found the book, and was hesitating as to whether or not I should borrow it (after all, it is on my booklist, so I am going to get my hands on it in like a week or so). Then I flipped open the cover...
... and found a beautiful photograph slotted into the book, like a bookmark. It was one of those glossy ones that are actually developed (what a treasure in the age of digital cameras!), a photograph of a sandy beach and shining blue sea and endless blue sky and a few rocky islands far off in the distance. The colour of the water was what you'd expect to see on a photoshopped advertisement for a Mauritius vacation, but it was all real. I turned the photograph over and there was nothing, no words written in inky black scrawl transmitting a secret message to whoever was lucky enough to pick up the book. (I half expected it, to be honest.) Well, my second thought was that the blankness and empty space on the back of that photograph was a lot more exciting for the imagination...
Impulsively I grabbed the book.
I liked The Sound of Waves, though there were things that left me just the slightest bit unsettled. It was almost the opposite of what it promised, and what I expected, but it was beautiful anyway. I won't say more except that I think it was a realist fairytale, which is almost paradoxical but not quite. It explored emotion and thought and situations which can't quite be pinned down with single words. Again, though, I liked it.
--
On more narcissistic things, I am currently nursing a sore throat and a bit of the sniffly wooziness that goes along with it. Normally I would not be bothered but I can't forget the last time I had a sore throat and totally neglected it - I lost my voice and that was one of the most terrible things ever. I guess you should know by now how much I like talking, and losing the ability to do that was not only losing self-expression, but also losing connection with others. Plus, New Year is coming along and I really only just settled back into the rhythm and regularity of training, so I do not want to be out of action for anything.
Being sick is one of those terrible things that makes time disappear with a poof and, in so doing, wastes life away. Well, for me anyway. Perhaps it's because of my lack of resilience but I find it difficult to concentrate on anything when I'm feeling (physically) under the weather. And I find that last phrase particularly fitting/funny/geekily amusing because I am pretty sure this bout of almost-flu was brought about by me running in the rain multiple times for a variety of reasons in the past few days.
--
I think - no, I know - that I take too many things for granted.
Today was a day of weakness... or of rest, depending on which way I look at it.
But the wedding was pretty beautiful : ) It was very tender, very sweet, with an air of understated gravity. I am so glad for the two of them.
And I am glad that Fior got the chance to get together again. Being together is comfortable, familiar, warm. They're one of the groups of people with whom I can be ridiculous and silly with, because we just have so much fun laughing at each other and ourselves (oh, trust me when I say that are our antics are often *facepalm* worthy moments in retrospect). With them, all walls drop and the layer after layer of polish peels away, without me knowing it. With them I can jump from gushing about my latest geek-indulgences (aka all the books I've been reading) to dissing boys childishly to discussing Issues (about political apathy in SG youth, about what life will be like in a couple of months' time, about China and Turkey and RGS and RI and... everything). Coming back to this group of friends just feels like coming home.
I actually bought a CD (yes, I physically bought music) today - U2's singles. I don't really know why I did it, I just know I've been eyeing that for a number of months now, and I finally got it. I don't regret it, because their music is uplifting, no matter what cynics say... I am not very rational today, though.
I have not been focusing on my African history book. I think I might have tried to bite off too much this time, because "general overview" doesn't quite seem to cut it this time. It's a little bit too big picture for me, which I guess is to be expected since it's covering the history of a whole darn continent, over 200 years! Damn, I should stop trying to take the easy way out. Well, I need to finish the book anyway.
I feel the beginnings of a flu coming on, oh dear : ( All that running around in the rain must be taking its toll : (
Incredibly tired tonight (reached home at 11!) and so, to end off, just a little poem by Robert Frost that I found and copied out on the card I did for today's wedding - it's an interesting, slightly odd kind of voice but one that resonates all the same.
--
The Master Speed Robert Frost No speed of wind or water rushing by But you have a speed far greater. You can climb Back up a stream of radiance to the sky, And back through history up the stream of time. And you were given this swiftness, not for haste Nor chiefly that you may go where you will. But in the rush of everything to waste, That you may have the power of standing still - Off any still or moving thing you say. Two such as you with a master speed Cannot be parted nor be swept away From one another once you are agreed That life is only life forevermore Together wing to wing and oar to oar.
