Things are gonna change, for the better.

Friday, July 10, 2009
There's something moving, here in the shadows.

Thank goodness it's the end of the week! I'm so tired my eyes are closing, closing rapidly even as I type this. I've been sleeping at unearthly hours and waking up at 5.30am every day and I suppose it isn't good for me, I probably can't sustain this, but honestly, there's so much work to do! Sigh. I'm not too sure why I've been so unable to do work, but I think some of it has to do with the fact that I'm doing a lot more reading, and prep, for some subjects, maybe at the expense of others (sigh). The thing is, my new mentality (for the most part unconsciously initiated) is to work extra hard for subjects that I care about, and to take it easy (not slack, or not do homework, but rather to do it almost half-heartedly) for subjects I dislike.

Which probably just means that I'll end up getting worse in chem/math/chinese and probably maintaining or wavering for the other subjects. It's quite a stupid mentality, actually -.- One that's bound to get me in trouble sooner or later. Thing is, there's really no time to do extra reading and prep without compromising on the others, I'm sorry!

This week has been quite... special, to say the least. It's been a good week, even if it's been exhausting; it's small moments, times that go beyond the mundane order of things, special occurrences, that make life all the more bearable, and sometimes even enjoyable. People, and connections, are the ones that make meaning out of... really nothing at all.

I know I've said this before, recently, but I'm so grateful for the people in my life (both in and out of school) who have mentored, advised, been concerned about, listened to and generally helped me out in one way or another even though they absolutely didn't have to. I'm really, really lucky to have such wonderful people around me, especially my close friends, and my teachers.

The slow realization that I'll be very much removed from the people mentioned above next year is scary, and daunting. Especially my teachers, and Karen and WQ, and Deb and Sam and the rest of 415, and people going to the army (ha ha). And university looms ever nearer, omg! It's really only three years away, which is so close. I don't think I'll ever have the intellectual capacity and skill to be able to handle university, and yet chronologically it's practically knocking on the neighbours' door. I believe that I'm pretty much screwed, haha.

But first things first - settle Term 3, and end-of-years, and then the next two years ahead. No matter where I go to in the end, I want a perfect score. (I proclaim unapologetically, because seriously, if you don't gun for the top you'll never get there, in my opinion.) I want to make something good out of my life, and make the people who invested so much time and energy and $$$ in me proud (both my parents, and other people). I want to be able to let the people who've watched me grow up and/or have grown up with me say "hey, that Kar Min didn't turn out so bad." I want to be a role model, and I want to leave something behind in this world. I want - too much, ahh.

Right now I really want to keep my feet planted on the ground. I've been hearing pleasant things about myself all week, and don't get me wrong - it's a great feeling, and makes me want to live up to expectations, and I really appreciate these small gestures that people make because it reassures me that at least I've done something right. But I'm always afraid that I'll descend into arrogance and small-mindedness, that I'll lose the ability to consider what other people think or have to offer intellectually, or that I'll grow complacent and smug. I need to be in touch with reality, really! And stop thinking so much about compliments, even though I don't actually consciously want to think of them; rather, they jump into my head because cmon, everyone loves thinking feel-good thoughts, yes? Alright. (Haha omg I bet you're rolling your eyes at how I'm totally overreacting to this -.- Well, I'm rolling my eyes at myself too, so you're not alone.)

I have this penchant for making mountains out of molehills. But well, I'd rather be slightly kiasu and think of/avoid the worst, rather than ignore my doubts completely and end up falling into the traps I'm always setting for myself.

Homework this weekend is actually... mild, compared to last week, but still some nagging stuff to do. And srsly, I need to read. I've been stuck with the Air-conditioned Nation book for the entire week and am only stuck at chapter 2 even though the writing style is amazingly accessible (yet intelligent at the same time, score!) and the essays aren't long at all. I need to read Consilience too, and all the other books around.

Oh and I want to read Carl von Clausewitz, not the purely military stuff but how war relates to balance of power, etc etc. And I wonder if the national library stocks revisionist books; it's terribly difficult to hang onto a revisionist stand so many years after "the victors wrote history", which makes it all the more intriguing.

Oh, and I need to read up on victorian lit, and on modernism, and on national identity, and about the nature of knowledge - also, math and chem worksheets, never-ending chinese mock papers, and french homework! Sheesh it looks like I do have a fair amount of homework left after all -.- So much for a quiet, relaxing weekend.

Today in school I wrote down the full lyrics to Stars' Personal on the whiteboard, ha ha. I actually remembered everything - except for the one line "I guess we'll never meet now" which Gracey kindly helped me furnish! Hooray. It's strange how I can remember obscure song lyrics and the related ilk, but not the countless trigonometry formulae which are essential to my passing the subject (hence essential to the survival of my Future Plans). I really do have my priorities screwed up, don't I?

Oh well, I'm actually happy with who I am now. It may not seem explicitly so, given my habit of complaining and whining incessantly about myself, but I am quite content. Of course, there are parts of me I still don't like, but then again where's the fun in life without something to work on and change? : )))

Take care, and goodnight, everyone!

Labels: books, history, music, school, self, social studies, thoughts

8:39 PM | 0 Dismantle . Repair

Wednesday, July 08, 2009
All that's left, in any case

These two days have been good! Tomorrow should be good too, since all there are are slack blocks (PE, CLE) and History (!!!). Math and chinese, of course, but it doesn't matter. I'm actually kind of getting differentiation, just that it's all so tedious and requires ultimate concentration to avoid carelessness. And I like our chinese teacher, and I do my homework. So I guess it's fine : )

In true Mr Jalleh style, today all my painstaking reading of the 34-page transcript and my annotations, notes, etc in the huge stack of handouts he gave were not used at all -.- Same thing happened with philosophy and the epistemology book! In fact philo wasn't all that good, I felt we were so... slow, including myself, and prone to ridiculous statements. And to be honest the activities we're doing have been so... simple, for lack of a better word, and then there's so much extra time at the end I feel as though we should have been more engaged, or able to ask Good Further Questions, somehow - but I don't know how! God I am useless.

I shan't get started on my love-hate relationship with philo.

I'm disturbed by the state of lit. Well, the state of lit, plus my confusion over artificially dividing literary history into artificial periods held together only by common themes and the same prominent poets/authors. It's very man-made, and because of the vast range of literary history I think it's always a crude division, and it seems so disrepectful of the nuances and subtle changes in a body of work.

Also, I do not get Victorian lit, and when you describe Walt Whitman as "breaking form" doesn't that mean he broke out of Victorian convention and hence is actually not representative of Victorian lit as a period? Then why on earth are we studying him as a poet of the Victorian era? (I know it was provided as an example, and this is nothing personal against any of the presenters today; rather, it's an expression of my own inadequacies and confusion.) *dies* This only reinforces my belief that I am not a good lit student and never will be.

I spoke to Ms Kamsir a bit about it today; she gave me satisfactory answers, but I'm unconvinced. It's strange. It was comforting, I guess, to know that these were legitimate concerns because I feel so... stifled in class, for lack of a better word. Talking to teachers really helps, but only if you respect the teacher and his/her intelligence. And if the teacher isn't totally dao and forsakes you at your weakest moment (we all know who we're talking about here right! right!). Ahhh one thing I'll definitely miss in RGS, the (good) teachers. I've been pretty lucky so far, especially in Sec 3/4.

Sometimes I wonder what I really enjoy doing, and what I'm doing because I like the teacher. It's different, yknow, the kind of interest and the level of it. I really hope that what I think I love and adore and could imagine doing for the rest of my life now does actually live up to those labels. Sigh!

I have such screwed up relationships with everybody, lol.

Also, my two current favourites: The Decemberists and (you'd never guess it) Electrico! They're a world apart, but both very talented, the former more than the latter (but of course). Both have great music and melodies, but The Decemberists' lyrics in all their poetic, storytelling glory definitely win hands-down.

Poetry! The food of the soul.

There's no dignity in death
To sell the world your last breath
We're still fighting over everything you left
...
They poison you with compromise
At what point did you realise
That everybody loves your life but you
- Advertising Space, Robbie Williams

Omg this was such an unlikely artiste choice but this song was amazing! I remembered it after like 2 or 3 years of dormancy but I listened to it again and it's as heartbreaking as ever.

Alright I should go continue filing Chinese worksheets now.

Labels: literature, music, philosophy, poetry, RALA, school, self

5:43 PM | 0 Dismantle . Repair

Tuesday, July 07, 2009
And it keeps digging my own grave!

So, a really quick one!

1. I am currently hooked on the new NDP song for this year (omg who knew this day would ever come!) hahaha. Anyway go listen to it at http://www.ndp.org.sg/themevideo.php. The lyrics are... yknow, typical, but the music is great! Like I told Oliver it's great mood music for reading a 32-page transcript of PM Lee's National Day Rally 2006. Ha ha. (See Mr Jalleh, I did your homework.) Anyway, Electrico is awesome! We need more homegrown talent : )
2. Survived Math GA5 today relatively unscathed! Unfortunately, the vicious cycle of math worksheets will never end. Damn.
3. Organic chem seems interesting but the naming of stuff is so annoying!! And no time for curriculum, seriously.
4. Marathoned my week's worth of TV (CSI, all 3 seasons, Leverage, Criminal Minds) in the weekend and did pretty much nothing, ha ha. Managed to get through today though.
5. Playing football with 415 is hilarious. We get all grassy and giggly and arms and legs flail and a lot of squealing goes on and it's days like these when I appreciate everyone a lot more.
6. In fact I was just thinking about my RGS experience so far and I've concluded that the past 1.5 years have helped me grow and change in humongous ways, especially going into 415. I think that meeting Karen and WQ and being in RAH/RALA has played such a huge role in making me who I am today.
7. And I will miss them so much next year! Assuming I do get to where I'm going to. But it'll be good for us to be away from each other for a while, I think, primarily because we're growing on each other a bit too much (this is just my opinion, omg we sound like fungi; WQ would also totally laugh at me if she read this) anyway, when we reunite it'll be epic : DDD
8. Hahaha, I have been very amused by the happenings in school for the past few days (actually, mostly today, which was such a hugely slack and pointless day that it almost made me annoyed. BUT THEN we had history!).
9. L & H are so alike it's scaryyyyyyy!
10. Also, one lesson of history is worth the price of 2-3 lessons of math. Yay.
11. Managed to do a heck lot of filing over the weekend, pressurized by Chinese and philo files. But my table is getting cluttered up again : ( we never change, do we?
12. I hate hate hate homework omg I have no time to read and no patience for math!

Ugh I should really start listening to O's mathematical genius now. How some people just get things astounds me. It bothers me to even think of the possibility that the people close to me think I'm stupid! Actually, it bothers me to think that anyone thinks I'm stupid.

However, I allow myself to think that way all the time.

This is one waste of a life, omg.

(not that I'd throw it away for anything)

Haha I'm not making sense anymore.

Labels: history, math, obscurities, school, television

11:04 PM | 0 Dismantle . Repair

Friday, July 03, 2009
I just want a small part in your passion play.

I REALLY AM NOTHING MORE THAN A NERD.

How depressing hahahah.

Let me recount the epic chronicles of today. You will totally laugh at me and my plight.

So I went to school carrying my Macbook in my backpack and five books (four library books + the Bottom of the Pyramid book) in a tote bag. I told myself "don't worry, just endure the bus ride to school and to the national library and then you'll be empty-handed and cool all over again". So halfway through the school day I stupidly realise that I have to go to the school library to borrow the epistemology book Mr H recommended, so I rush down 5min before the end of recess and grab it. Then I spot the book next to it - it's sleek and black and looks awesome (in the scariest sense possible) and because I have a death wish, like I mentioned yesterday, I grab it too, and then the bell rings. On a last-minute impulse I rush over to the history section to see if I can grab anything on WWII but, in my only wise decision of the day, I summon up my self-control and turn away without borrowing anything for history. Current book tally: 5 + 2 = 7

(randomly: this is so weird, listening to Kings of Leon belting out "this sex is on fire" as if it's the most natural thing in the world. thank goodness mom isn't anywhere in earshot.)

School was alright once Math and Chinese were over - these subjects will always be my downfall, and it sucks because I know I should be doing more, working harder on my own the same way I do reading and extra research for history, plus I really really like my Chinese teacher, but I just can't bring myself to do it and tread the long and painful road toward self-betterment! Ugh.

But after that was just CLE followed by a hilarious Lit lesson in which I annoyed the hell out of Karen and WQ - sometimes I wonder why I do all these stupid things and why I enjoy being whiny and retarded and childish, and yknow if you haven't seen me in action (ie. if you haven't seen me around Karen and WQ in a relaxed setting) then you wouldn't believe that I could be so... stupid. Lol. Just wait and see.

Okay so after Bio prac (which was a really cool DNA cloning thing) I run 4 storeys downstairs to call Mr J to ask if he can come up early for SS CES, and he's not at his desk, so I end up going back up 4 storeys to class, and somehow along the way I end up with another 4 books which look fearsome and beautiful ("terrible as the dawn!" says Galadriel). I wonder to myself if I can ever finish reading them all. Current book tally: 7 + 4 = 11

Mr J stood us up, apparently, so Ruifen and I leave the class and walk to the bus stop together; my bag is breaking and so is my back, but worse still is the permanent shoulder ache from carrying a tote with like 7 books stuffed in it (for those who have vested interests in the books, don't worry they're not misshapen in any way), and the desperate clutching of a wallet, handphone and 3 other books in my one free hand. 190 trundles along, we make it just in time, but Ruifen has to help me with some of the books because I am, like, a loser. I sit in the bus with stomach growling and thank my lucky stars that I'd left one book in school. Current tally: 11 - 1 = 10

We change buses and I say goodbye to The Dear Ruifen. She's so bubbly and high all the time it's actually really entertaining : ) 175 arrives, I hop on, and try not to kill anyone with my (obese, yet rock-hard) tote bag. I drift off and end up snapping out of the daydream with a start and getting off hurriedly, only to realise that I'm one stop early and hence have to walk a bit (not too far lah) to reach the library. I rush to the bookdrop like an elephant to a watering hole. Tally: 10 - 4 = 6

It's like 2.45pm and I go have an overpriced lunch at Han's all by my lonesome self (hahaha kidding I have 6 "friends" for company) after which I go up up up to L7, realise that there are no more lockers available, go up to L8, spend a long time dumping/rearranging my stuff, go back down, show the security guard that my laptop sleeve is not harbouring any illegal weapon blueprints, and finally make it past those glass doors into the LKC reference library. The time is 3pm; I grab 4 Iranian Revolution books (one or two of which I've read before and need to see again) and open up my Mac, open up Firefox (and Wireless.SG), open up my EE outline, and a blank Pages doc. Time passes, and very little gets done. Yet I'm not actually doing anything except work, lol.

At 8.30pm I have finished approximately 1620 words, which is the whole of my Introduction ONLY, and only referred quite marginally to the books, because I did most of the analysis in my head. Hence endnotes only number a miserable 3, which is stupid because the point of me doing all the writing in the reference library is for me to put in endnotes while I'm writing. But anyway I think it's a pretty well-written introduction lah, and it provides a pretty comprehensive overview of the events of the Revolution, as well as a nice clear outline of what I'm going to cover in my essay, so I should be able to proceed properly from now on without much trouble. Keeping my fingers crossed!

Anyway so after I finish my introduction I close my laptop and pack up (the reference library is really quiet and empty in the evening/night). I leave and after the general hassle of putting everything back in my bag and taking out stuff which I had haphazardly stuffed into my locker, I take the lift to the basement and end up picking up 2 books on Singapore politics/nation building, but they're very contemporary and look quite Intelligent, yay! They should really move the Singapore section to a more prominent location - I saw plenty of good books which I'd never seen before or known they existed, but they were hidden away in that corner where most people probably don't venture into. Anyway, the library closes at 9pm so I left - final tally (which I lugged all the way home): 6 + 2 = 8

The rest of the day is pretty much formulaic, I got home late, had dinner late (like at 9.30pm, close to 10), showered late (and hence subjected my hair to a loooong period of drying) and started blogging late, which is why this post is taking so long ha ha.

In addition, there are some really genuinely benevolent (for lack of a better word) people out there that I am extremely grateful for. I'm incredibly fortunate to have the benefit of so many caring people, friends, mentors, "benefactors" (hahah), and the differences between them only add to the colour and the interest and the broadening of perspectives.

*happy sigh* : ))))

To end off, I am on a Pablo Neruda intrigue mission today - one day, I will master Spanish so well that I could totally read all his works in the original. I love his odes - also thought you might be a bit tired of the usual melty sappiness I have floating around here in the form of lyrics and poems : P

Ode to Salt
Pablo Neruda

This salt
in the saltcellar
I once saw in the salt mines.
I know
you won't
believe me,
but
it sings,
salt sings, the skin
of the salt mines
sings
with a mouth smothered
by the earth.
I shivered in those solitudes
when I heard
the voice of
the salt
in the desert.
Near Antofagasta
the nitrous
pampa
resounds:
a broken
voice,
a mournful
song.

In its caves
the salt moans, mountain
of buried light,
translucent cathedral,
crystal of the sea, oblivion
of the waves.

And then on every table
in the world,
salt,
we see your piquant
powder
sprinkling
vital light
upon
our food. Preserver
of the ancient
holds of ships,
discoverer
on
the high seas,
earliest
sailor
of the unknown, shifting
byways of the foam.
Dust of the sea, in you
the tongue receives a kiss
from ocean night:
taste imparts to every seasoned
dish your ocean essence;
the smallest,
miniature
wave from the saltcellar
reveals to us
more than domestic whiteness;
in it, we taste infinitude.

Labels: books, history, life, obscurities, poetry, school

11:10 PM | 0 Dismantle . Repair

Thursday, July 02, 2009
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head;

Whew! The first post since Term 3 started, and already I'm exhausted. The past few days have been a haze of school (which has seemed to pass painfully and slowly this term, but could just be due to the icky subjects rampant in the timetable :/), homework (LOADS of it. gosh how on earth are we supposed to finish it all?! and on the first day of school? "how could you be so heartless?") and adjustments, generally.

Adjustments, on the most basic level, to accommodate for the reopening of school in the face of an international pandemic. We're taking temperatures twice daily now, once at 7.30am and once at 1pm, and submitting all our (perfectly normal) results to the General Office; morning assemblies, hall assemblies and generally all other "non-essential" school meetings have been cancelled; previously frenzied planning for (PB, and other) events has slowed to a grinding halt because the events' very existence is tremulous; teachers stand at the school gates next to a large sign listing the "affected countries" (haha, SG probably should be in that list) and make sure overzealous flu-ridden students are told "YOU SHALL NOT PASS (flame of Udun)".

(hahahah my LOTR quotes-from-memory still exist! some of them, anyway.)

Life goes on, though, and I find it remarkable that in the face of such turmoil, we are actually really settling into the same rhythm that we were in for most of last semester. It is such a relief not to have any tests in these few weeks, though; the spectre of graded, timed exercises which supposedly evaluate subject understanding totally casts a shadow over initially enjoyable school life.

Another (major) change we have this term is a new CLE teacher (who'll be our surrogate form teacher as well, poor man, haha); he calls himself Nigel (Hee) and teaches Philosophy. He does seem nice enough (and incredibly intelligent!), and today's Philo lesson was the best I've had since maybe Sec 2, to be honest. So, as of now, optimism? Ha.

Although I do wonder, and think to myself, that if I wanted to teach it would not be at RG. Bright girls, yes, and probably a pretty good pay, but the bureaucratic bs is just really a bit too much. Observe how the intelligent, independent-minded teachers eventually leave. Because there really isn't much flexibility for individual thought and (I hate this phrase, it's so presumptuous) "non-conformism", I think. Totally my interpretation, though.

Of course, the obvious favouritism towards male teachers would be a huge obstacle too, hahahahaha. But that's a story for another time ; )

I realise that we really do not have time for the curriculum. It is ridiculous. 10 weeks, and we have to finish huge chunks of work on differentiation, integration, whatnot (math), organic chem, world war II + holocaust + cold war (history), genetics etc etc (bio). Even with the insane amount of "self-study" and homework that we have, it's impossible to rush a curriculum like that just aimed towards completion of coursework. It's bad for the teacher and student alike, and it takes all the joy out of meticulous, thorough learning. And I can't believe that the urgency hasn't yet seemed to kick in for some classes. And that the urgency, no matter how strong, seems entirely insufficient for others.

Especially for history - now I think we all prep for classes like mad, but we spend so much time arguing in class (like today's whole debate about whether Germany's foreign policy success was "fortuitous" or "visionary") that it's impossible to go through so many events and so many "controversies in TEN WEEKS, omg! As much as I would like to have real faith in Mr Law and the history department, I'm worried about us as students and our ability to internalize everything and formulate coherent arguments with so little breathing space.

I just finished reading Keith Jenkins' Re-Thinking History, which was such a wonderfully concise and sharply constructed book about the philosophy of history. He made a lot of sense - it was very intelligent, critical writing. Some of it I had to read a couple of times over to understand fully, but it was amazing how everything fell into place and how he, while always maintaining a largely skepticist position, never managed to fall into the pothole of (as he calls it) "hapless relativism". Now I also have questions to ask Mr Law, like why we aim for empathy if it's theoretically impossible; I also have questions for myself, like how on earth I could have missed the fact that scientific and historical method have so much in common, and so much variance (history essentially being interpreted literature, while science is interpreted observations) - there is a world of similarity, but also a world of difference. And how should I best go about now "taking control of my own discourse"?

I believe I am not allocating my time well this term, ha ha. The other day I got home at around 7pm, and finished eating/showering/unpacking at 8.30pm; I spent an hour grappling with differentiation and chem questions that I did half-heartedly and haphazardly, then THREE hours on revising Nazi Germany foreign policy and writing down all the major events of WWII in a nice chronological list (meh, just like last year's post-it-note list of All American Presidents Thus Far). Oh, and formulating an argument on how Germany's foreign policy aim was NOT continental hegemony (but self defense, and righting the wrongs of the Treaty of Versailles). Man, revisionists don't have it easy! It's so hard not to see it the way we always have. But well. Point is, a 1:3 ratio is not advisable, and should not remain so! I should work on math/chem more, invest more time on them, not on history which I'm already doing fairly well for! ARGH.

AND YET there is so much extra reading I need to do! Sometimes I feel extremely stupid and ill-read (for lack of a better term) - and it seems like I've lost/am losing valuable time doing other mundane tasks (like, hmm, let's see, BLOGGING?!) *dies*

Okay to assuage my agitated (guilty) soul I will post a List of Reading to do:

1. The Fortune at the Bottom of the Pyramid (research on social entrepreneurship)
2. Literary Theory (book Ms Kamsir lent me)
3. Daniel Cardinal's Epistemology (for Philo)
4. Works by Foucault (because I like him, and am intrigued, and have a death wish)
5. Edward Said's Orientalism (too many books have made reference to him; need to read it for myself!)
6. Some Freud stuff, and some Jung stuff (to compare, and to ultimately decide if I should continue thinking about psychoanalysis)
7. Many Iranian Revolution Books (ahhhhh EXTENDED ESSAY.)
8. Sociology books about national identity (what else but SS PT)
9. books on Who Started World War II (both conventional and revisionist viewpoints, for Hist)
9. TO BE CONTINUED.

And to finish off, lyrics from The Scientist, I remember how much I loved it 3 years ago, and it still holds true today. Oh, imagination and heartbreak : (

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart.
And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I'll rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing tails
Coming back as we are.
- The Scientist, Coldplay

Labels: books, changes, history, life, music, school

4:31 PM | 0 Dismantle . Repair

Sunday, June 28, 2009
I had a dream that I was falling down

This is the obligatory mournful last-day-of-holidays post.

So the prospect of going back to school seems brighter now that I've found out Math GA is postponed to Week 2 : ) And in all honesty I am looking forward to some lessons (Lit, History, SS, how predictable) and to seeing my friends on a daily basis again. I'm also actually excited to find out which teachers will be standing at the school gate decked out in full "N95 mask and gown" regalia, hahaha, it will be Amusing : )

But I am quite seriously worried about the H1N1 situation in schools. I'm pretty sure it will spread like wildfire, simply because we have so much close contact with each other - I mean, regardless of how many morning assemblies are cancelled, during recess times the canteen is chock-full of people, cmon - the Ministry of Health obviously believes that while the number of cases will be huge, the number of high-risk cases won't be. Well, I suppose they're the authorities here with all the statistics at their fingertips, but like all other predictions this one can't be taken for granted, and I'm reminded of what Optimus Prime (hahaha) said in Transformers 2 - "what if you're wrong?"

Cross your fingers and hope for the best, then! Frankly speaking I don't want any more extended holidays or disruptions to school because then they might postpone end-of-years which will be the suckiest thing ever, really! I want to get these 10 weeks over and done with, then enjoy the breather and prep time for JC.

This holiday (which is almost over) has been, in my opinion, the first real holiday I've had in the past four years, a holiday unhampered by endless training and trips back to school. Oh, there was work done - loads of it - but I had plenty of time to do other things as well, such as traipse down to the Reference library a multitude of times, to settle my extended essay on Iran, as well as to stroll down the Singapore River at leisure, and to spend much-needed time with friends, family and myself.

I've been thinking, and I believe I've pretty much decided my direction for the rest of the year as well as for the coming years. Not at liberty to discuss this openly, but I'll just say that I'm looking forward to more than school in the months ahead : ) I've made some commitments that I'm determined to see through.

And now, for Apt Closing Lines:

This is the world that we live in
And I can't take blame for two
This is the world that we live in
And maybe we'll make it through.
- The World That We Live In, The Killers
(well, maybe not so apt in the context of school, but eh, let's be liberal in interpretation; on a completely random note, Brandon Flowers as depicted in the video for that song is like the only guy who can pull off eyeliner.)

Labels: family, holiday, life, music, school, self

9:52 PM | 0 Dismantle . Repair

Saturday, June 27, 2009
The love died, but the hate can't fade

Okay my internet has been intermittently laggy today. Must be because my brother is a few metres away downloading episodes of How I Met Your Mother manically. Seriously. He's been glued there for the past few days, the prime definition of addicted. I have no idea why he's so deprived, and why he's hanging on so desperately to this last vestige of computer freedom before term time. Honestly.

Anyway so I prepped most of my application today and I feel a huge sense of accomplishment because (wait for it) I FINISHED MY SS ARTICLE REVIEW. Oh yeah!~ Hahaha I actually contemplated not doing it (a thought which I've never entertained before) but I'm glad I defied myself and did it, five pages of scrawled grassy handwriting which Mr J will definitely (not) appreciate, ha ha ha. I have no idea what I wrote, though. What a comforting thought. And the structure was definitely a bit off, but I can't change anything and perfectionist (yes, am using "perfectionist" as a verb here) it like usual because the words are Stuck on paper instead of in a random word processing software.

The King of Pop passed away yesterday at 50 and the world mourns him now. I confess I was never really exposed to his music or a fan (with the exception of the song "Ben", which is so beautiful, really). But it is true that fan or not, you gotta admit that he changed the world in his own way. And he'll be remembered for that, yeah?

What I found painfully ironic was that before death, especially in the last few years when he (arguably) faded, people found him almost pathetic, almost freak-like (the bleached skin, the reports of pedophilia?); after death, immediately the tributes begin to pour in about how he was legendary (which he was, I have no doubts about that) and people start singing his praises. Someone told me "your life always looks better in death".

I watched Transformers 2 yesterday with my family and yes, great action scenes, loads of eye candy for guys in the form of Megan Fox (lol it's almost amusing how the producers managed to sneak in so many scenes of her in compromising positions), and the special effects and attention to detail was admirable too. If you're in for 2h30min of cars transforming into gigantic metal works of art (because yes, that's actually what they are, in my opinion), then by all means go watch it, ha ha.

Plot-wise, nothing much, but you can't have everything. But there were moments, certain spots in the film where I could just freeze and some of them seemed philosophical to me, like the time Sam said something about how it couldn't end now because he'd gotten so far, and how all the things that happened to him couldn't have happened for no reason. That blind, unshakeable faith was so clear and strong, it really made me think. Sometimes I think that way too, hoping against hope, except that that's directly at odds with the whole logic-conquers worldview, and it leads in a very deist direction, which I really don't want to go toward, not now at least.

Religion for me is like this big ball of hard twine that's been crisscrossed in so many directions and tangled up in so many knots that it's impossible to resolve until I've learned more about Life or garnered up the courage to cut a few of those knots, ie. take a leap of faith - either to accept doubt entirely, or to disown it. Either way, it takes courage, which I don't think I have right now. I would love to be able to believe without question, because some parts of me think like Sam - that there must be something beyond, something more, more meaning that we cannot sense or see for certain; but I can't do that because other parts of me refuse to accept what I cannot know for certain. Ugh.

I remember when Talia was talking to me about my grandma, a few weeks ago, and she asked what my views on death were, and I told her with all conviction that I think death is the beginning of another (kind of) life, and that it (or a person) just couldn't end there, couldn't! It's inherently evidenceless, but it was reasonable (meaning it fit), and what my mind naturally sprang to. And it's a comfortable belief, really, it doesn't feel like anyone forced that on me. But what it implies is an entirely different kettle of fish and one that I don't want to open.

And now you're probably laughing at how ridiculous I am for finding philosophy in Transformers, haha.

Leading off from that, someone (a guy) told me the other day "don't philosophize sex" - he claims he doesn't read this blog so I guess I have free rein to say what I want here, but eh, if you see this, at least I didn't put your name in, so there! I asked why not, and I still will. To me it's important to think about things (sometimes I overdo it, yes, but there isn't "forbidden knowledge", in my opinion, Frankenstein made me quite clear of my stand on that!) because when you think about them, they carry more meaning, because there is no such thing as inherent meaning, only meaning which we make and we derive in our minds.

So maybe I'll stop "philosophizing sex" in front of you, but I won't hesitate to untangle other similarly tangled issues in my own time : P (In any case, in what way was that philosophizing?! I merely listed some very factual characteristics of the act of procreation. Oh but you won't read this anyway, so whatever I say here is futile.)

Moving on! I've been in and out of love with a couple of songs over the past few days. Just for reference I'm sharing my current playlist of LOVED songs : D Maybe I'll comment on a few of them tomorrow, yay me! But it's getting really late, so I'll need to be snappy:

Barricade - Stars
Brand New Day - Joshua Radin
Brothers On A Hotel Bed - Death Cab For Cutie
Crack The Shutters - Snow Patrol
Dismantle.Repair. - Anberlin
Existentialism On Prom Night - Straylight Run
The Haunting - Anberlin
Little Flowers - Denison Witmer
Misearbile Visu (Ex Malo Bonum) - Anberlin
The Night Starts Here - Stars
A Painting By Chagall - The Weepies
Passion Play - William Fitzsimmons
Personal - Stars
The Promise - Anberlin
Retrace - Anberlin
The World We Live In - The Killers
Your Heart Is An Empty Room - Death Cab For Cutie

Yay! : )

Let me leave you with two beautiful lines, courtesy of Stars:
Oh, how could anyone not want to rip it all apart?
Oh, how could anyone not love your cold black heart?
- Barricade
It's a beautiful song, and he sings these lines so bitingly. The real story behind the song is so strange and wonderful (go check it out if you have the time), but just those two lines alone can make my imagination run wild and concoct bizarre stories of its own. It seems to me like the kind of song that a psychopath would grow up listening to, so I'm slightly worried about myself now, but I try to tell myself that I'm just being silly and to focus on happy things, like the jar of Dijon mustard in my fridge : D

Labels: death, family, life, movies, music, obscurities, philosophy, religion, social studies, thoughts

11:48 PM | 0 Dismantle . Repair